So with the mind of the twisted king
Inside the dragon’s head
(A cursed dragon and evil beast
Unloved and Overfed)
It ravaged the kingdoms enemies
Destroyed them with its storm
A storm born by its hateful rage
When its heart was torn
The lightning cracked the fire roared
The people cried in pain
Little could withstand this force
All efforts were in vain
The cities fell one by one
To the madness of the King
Until he had thrice what he’d paid
For that dragon sibling
To ensure his wealth would last
He would hide it all away
In a cave below the Mountain High
In a land so far away
So as the king of greedy sin
Marvelled at his art
The dragon breathed a wall of flame
To engulf his shallow heart
Neither bone nor crown of King
Was left there to remain
The gold belonged to the dragon now
For this was his domain
Many men have dared to brave
This highlands stormy bane
The thunder shook their very souls
While pounded by the rain
Those who survived barely arrived
Carped by dragons reign
It is a dark and stormy night
The men march on below
The storm was at its very worst
The Pain was there to show
Frost collects upon their shields
The wind cut through their faces
Frozen to the very core
An army of disgraces
The rain had turned to hail now
Passing the dreaded eye
The Men pause as a dragon roars
They’d reached the Mountain High
An Army boasted battle cries
Ready for the fight
The dragon simply cocked its head
To cause a lightning strike
At this the first wave of daring
Charged the dragon’s horde
The flames of hell from jaws expelled
All suffered the dragon lord
Shields were braced with dragon faced
Swords hungry had been drawn
Neither arrows nor blades would pass
Through its golden, scaly brawn
The storm would take its victims
With the lightning and the ice
Fiery anger would enhance
The dragons jaws of vice
Bodies piled against the mountain
Blood thicker than the water
The dragon breath eternal
To incinerate and slaughter
Fire burned til it was choked
By the dragon’s storm of spite
As the lightning and the fire
Still flashed throughout the night
The smell of death upon them
The army nearly broken
None could break the tyrant
The fallen weapons token
Limbs and bones were sundered
Of those who’d fought for gold
The senile and the naïve
The men both young and old
All around the lightning struck
With nowhere else to go
A battalion of the remainder
Against a Monster of a foe
Claws and armour would briefly spark
Before the dragon would exhale
A fragment from the sun itself
That would leave the men to flail
Those that still had limbs
Would seek refuge in the marsh
Gold wings belting in the rain
Fuelled by intentions harsh
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Comments
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A Jack of All Trades and Master at None....
i can only hope that you find the ending does it justice.
thanks again.
--
“Nope, because Ryan said he’d shove my Playstation up my ass sideways if I made shit up.”
Morphogenesis:[link]
By Mokele
"The cities fell one by one
To the madness of the King
Until he acquired thrice what he’d paid
For that dragon sibling"
King and sibling. Not... very effective.
--
***** My latest poem: A Wing And A Prayer (Ode To Goose-Hunting) - LINK HERE! [link] *****
Constructive Criticism and Comments At Your Very Doorstep! Offered For Free!
Especially for poetry and prose. Leave a n
It was probably a mad dash to the fighting scene in my head
but thankyou for picking up on that.
--
“Nope, because Ryan said he’d shove my Playstation up my ass sideways if I made shit up.”
Morphogenesis:[link]
By Mokele
--
Move softly on the ground..." ..."Hush now as the wind blows . Willows sway in time . As one we move with the breeze"...
"Underneath the starry glow, the earth is spinning slow... Dance with the unknown..."- Rhea's Obsession
thank you for your compliments, and i'm thrilled you're enjoying the story still,
thanks for sticking with it ^_^
--
“Nope, because Ryan said he’d shove my Playstation up my ass sideways if I made shit up.”
Morphogenesis:[link]
By Mokele
Ah yes, there's more to add about your works: they flow so smoothly: they almost never sound awkward or cumbersome; and the imagery is lively and vivid.
Ever thought about getting yourself published?
--
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, mud-sucking bottom-feeder; the other is a fish.
Ah yes, there's more to add about your works: they flow so smoothly: they almost never sound awkward or cumbersome; and the imagery is lively and vivid.
Ever thought about getting yourself published?
--
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, mud-sucking bottom-feeder; the other is a fish.
"All efforts where in vain" 'where' should be 'were'
"Until he acquired thrice what he’d paid
For that dragon sibling"
This line is awkward. I found that a lot of your stanzas were unclear and I had a hard time deciphering what exactly you were referring to.
You also need to watch your capitalization. There are lots of words that seemed to be just randomly capitalized.
"And this was his domain" I would suggesting exchanging 'and' with 'for' it would sound a lot better with this piece in my opinion. If you are able to, 'and' is a word that should only be used when there are no other words to replace it. It really does take away the professionalism of a work.
"It is a dark and stormy night
The army trudges on below
The storm was at its very worst
The Pain was there to show
Frost collected upon their shields
The winds cut through their faces
Frozen to the very core
An army of disgraces"
This stanza really breaks up the rhyme you had going. It's one of the reasons I don't enjoy rhyming poetry, because the flow is easily interfered with and thats just intolerable really.
"The Army pause as a dragon roars
They’d reached the Mountain High"
That first line, is so awkward. I would suggest rewording it.
"The dragon simply cocked its head
To cause a lightning strike"
The first line...'cocked its head' reminds me more of a dog then a vicious dragon. Bad imagery in that line. I would suggest something like 'The dragon simply whipped it's tail'
"Through the scales and the brawn"
Omit 'the' before 'brawn' it's unnecessary and interrupts the flow.
"The dragons jaws of vice"
'of vice'?? perhaps 'like vice' would be a bit better.
"The storm would take its victims
With the lightning and the ice
Fire and anger would enhance
The dragons jaws of vice
Bodies piled like the mountain
Blood thicker than the water
The dragon breath eternal
To incinerate and slaughter"
This whole stanza is awkward and another one of those stanzas that really break up the rhyme of your poem.
"Against a Monster of a foe"
I would omit 'of a'
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