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Dragon's Gold

It was a dark and stormy night
The moon hidden in the sky
Cold winds had froze and the lightning chose
The fates of heads held high
The thunder roared in clouds above
It rumbled on below
The ground disturbed by the marching heard:
The army that would not slow

So the storm and swarm rolled on
There was lightning in their eyes
Rain still hailed, flags still sailed
Towards what they despised
The earth was littered with broken skulls
Charred bones and blackened shields
The dragon’s fire engulfed men’s desire
None have survived these fields

Legends of this lands been told
By people young and old
Inspired greed from the words they heed
The tale of the dragon’s gold:
It all began with a hooded man
That bore a sacred treasure
Or so this story goes, this prize
Its worth was beyond measure

No one knew the demons name
But remembered well his look
Thin and tall, and above all
The mystery of this book
Face at bay, long and grey
With a cloak of fabric crow
Pockets ridden with dark unknown
And eyes that seemed to glow

His face was hidden his glee was not
In his cloak of deepest black
His one obsession, his only possession
Lay in a leather sack
Word of his treasure and his travels
Throughout the land it flew
Until it reached Phrin’s Castle’s keep
Where its Kings interest grew

The Kings orders were of simple kind
And carried out with haste
“Find the man in deepest black
We have no time to waste!”
He was a King of Human kind
Known most as the King of Phrin
Golden crown escorts a frown
For the power he longed within

As of yet he hadn’t strayed
From his people or his land
But the coming of the hooded one
Would prove he’s just a man
Few days had past till people gasped
As the man strode past thier doors
When enquired of what the king desired
He strode on without pause

“So you’re the man in deepest black
With a prize of priceless worth
Tell me sir what is this prize
That can be found upon this earth?”
The Kings voice echoed through the hall
Excitement in his eyes
The hooded man’s shone brighter still
And foretold the Kings demise

“I bear an egg from a land afar
A dragon sleeps within
It has powers stronger than you know
Oh wizened King of Phrin
You’ll find Lord that it hatches soon
Only when cracks run deeper
And only the pairs of eyes it meets
Can be its destined keeper,”

His voice had not rasped or boomed
Was as clear as a famous song
With breath a few, without a due
The voice still carried on

“Once the dragons left its shell
Provide it food and care
All it needs is a special feed
A kind that none would spare,
Seek out all the fiery beans
Among the Dragon egg
Feed him one of these once a day
This of you I beg”

The King would urge that he go on
His cloak would hide a smile
The king wrapped round a finger
Of a man so dark and vile

“The dragon can’t be killed or slain
By any mortal blade,
I would not dare to try and spare
A thought for such crusade!
If this beast within the egg
Becomes your greatest foe…
Use its fire against itself
With blade of fiery glow”

With this he revealed a leather sack
And beckoned the king a peek
With his heart ablaze he had a gaze
He’d sought what he longed to seek
“So give me all your gold and jewels
All that glitters be mine!
The dragon will give you thrice as much
It’s powers beyond this time”

Blinded by such a power lust
The king had clapped his hands
Servants hurried off to carry out
The hooded mans demands
Three moons had passed, since that day
When the egg began to crack
The sacred sight was the king’s delight
Foretold by the man in black

The leather sack seemed too heavy
And the dragon grew so slow
The king’s will surpassed the dragons
To will the beast to grow
This ruler didn’t heed his warnings
Greed would rule his head
He did not care for the baby dragon
And locked it away instead

The King had lost his compassion
He’d lost his sense to find
That the dragon lost his only love
The King had lost his mind

In a day he fed him every bean
Till the dragon nearly burst
Even when it howled in pain
Nothing quenched greed’s thirst
A week had past until at last
The beast had now become
The fear of all Phrin’s enemies
What had the Phrinians done?
this is the intro to a poem i wrote in year 11 when my teacher asked the class to make something thats began with "It was a dark and stormy night". The class had to stay till i was finished reading so only a few of them like it because it help up thier recess.
since then it has been continually changed and made better and worse, deleted on this site once because i changed it and then again, now its back.

It's making has been a mess. But finally its done and will stay the way it is. i'm sorry for all those people who commented in the past to this poem, i pity those who suspect i've done this on purpose. I am putting it back here because it was a step i took into writing long ballads.

It is a trilogy this is the start.

Other parts of the Trilogy:

Part II:[link]
Part III:[link]

Enjoy or don't

Jaz
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:iconmoefredthegreat:
moefredthegreat Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2006
I think I am now finding words to qualify what is so great about your poems, including this one. They all have a wonderful, engaging rhythm to them, and a whimsical nature that brings to mind incredible adventures from fantastical realms. You also have an amazing knack for telling stories through poetry, and you have an excellent and far-reaching vocabulary with which to embellish your pieces. I wish I could write as well as you.

I could never read any poem aloud in front of anyone, much less in front of a room full of my classmates and far less one by me.
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:iconfrozendruidess:
FrozenDruidess Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2006
Wow, I mean wow. I wish I had the ability to write this kind of stuff when I was so young nevermind now. I would give you some errors in punctuation but thats my very weak point also. It seems everyone has touched on that anyway.
Back to my groveling. I LOVE this piece and right now I'm really being tortured because I wanna write how much I love this poem and what I love about it but I wanna go read the rest lol. Its not often when a really long poem captures my attention but you executed this VERY well. I must say though it doesn't help that I'm addicted to dragons and fantasy altogether =)
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2006   Writer
:D
yeah i'm a sucker for that kind of stuff aswell.
thankyou for reading it all :nod:
i hope you enjoy the rest, and i hope there are less punctuation errors to annoy you :lol:
thank you for your comment :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconamber-m-forrester:
Amber-M-Forrester Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2006
This looks rather unpolished; IMO it would need a bit of polishing and tightening up here and there, rhythm and story-wise. Good starter though; there are few who would do this kind of narrative-fantasy poem.
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2006   Writer
Yes its a pretty old one, but AT LAST! a critic.
I do take your opinion to heart believe me you seem to know what you are talking about, but i'm not about to change it.
It is unpolished, its old and i wrote it years ago, this is no excuse...
but it was a step i took towards this stuff.
A landmark if you will.
Thank you for your opinion, I hope to write a few more narrative fantasies.
Reply
:iconanimegirlmika:
AnimeGirlMika Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2006  Professional General Artist
Very, very interesting!! This story has so much potential =3 When I reached the end I was disappointed that there was not more to be read. Of course, I see in your description that there are two more parts. I must read those as well. For this poem, you have a very good even rhythm, though some parts are hard to figure out at first, since one is only reading in their head rather than aloud. You employed a descriptive technique that I love very much with this line "With a cloak of fabric crow". Describing a color with a completely different object, I don't know why I like it so much. I guess it caters to my over-active imagination ^^

Here are some possible technical errors that I noticed, just to help you get this poem perfected =3

"Legends of this lands been told"
Since 'lands' is a contraction, I believe it should have an apostrophe.

Where its Kings interest grew
The Kings orders were of simple kind
'Kings' should have apostrophes as well, since they are possesive.

Few days had past till people gasped
'Past' should actually be spelled 'passed' in this instance =)

As the man strode past thier doors
You have the 'i' and 'e' swtiched around in their ^^

Once the dragons left its shell
Another instance for apostrophe in 'dragons'.

It’s powers beyond this time
No apostrophe in 'Its'.

The hooded mans demands
Add an apostrophe in 'mans', to make it possesive rather than plural.

I hope I was able to help you, this is a really good poem!
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2006   Writer
Ah you captured my weakest point besides spelling:
apostrophes.
I will edit all things mentioned,
I did write this a few years ago so gramatical errors were to be expected :P
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, for its length and language, the only reason i split this up is so people wouldn't be like
:wtf: too much to read!

You're obvioulsy a skilled writer so to have you comment on this is a welcomed opinion.
thank you again
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:iconanimegirlmika:
AnimeGirlMika Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2006  Professional General Artist
I can understand errors made and forgotten during younger years ^^ Just a couple of months ago I posted a fan poem on a different site, and the first comment was to tell me about a huge error I had made!! I was embarrassed that I let it slip past me!

Sadly, on deviantART, people don't seem inclined to read anything longer than a haiku, and that's only if they are in the mood! I wish there was a literature site with the community that deviantART has. I am on places like FictionPress.com, but I get maybe a view every few weeks, much less any comments =\

Anyway, you flatter me with your last comment ^^ I know I am good with spelling and grammar and other technical elements, but I still have a long way to go as far as storytelling goes =3
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2006   Writer
yeh edit comments are a little embarrasing, but it proves they read your piece in the end.
I think i tried another website for my poems, but the response wasn't very good,
and i forgot my password and username :XD:

I guess we both have a way to go with our writing, both technically and in storytelling, mind you i think my imagination heavily out weighs my technical skills, lol funny how brains work compared to others.
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:iconblunderpot:
blunderpot Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
Wow, this is a really amazing piece of poetry. Although it is of a considerable length you managed to sustain the story throughout and certainly suceeded in holding my attention.

You obviously have a really great vocabulary but you don't exploit that, you choose words that fit appropriately into your unforced rhyme but also avoid repitition....... There is also a nice flow and pace to this piece which makes it really easy to read!:clap:

As TrackGirl said there is brilliant imagery here, my personal favourite bit being the opening stanza or two which paint a clear picture and set an incredible mood.....

Great job :hug:, melikes very much!
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2006   Writer
yeh i like to write them long ^.^'

thank you very much for your opinion, i like to write poems that have a decent rhythm to it, a bit like a song.
Its actually influenced by "rhyme of the ancient mariner" i'm inspired by that kind of writing and story telling. i guess thats why i concentrate more on my rhyme and rhythm than on vocab.

Your points are valid and your opinion valued.
Reply
:icontrackgirl:
TrackGirl Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2006
Spelling and crits:
"Towards what the despised "
- should it be what they despised??

"As the man strode past there doors"
- should it be their

I found that in this verse there was no second rhyme

"Few days had past till people gasped
As the man strode past there doors
When enquired of what the king desired
He strode on without pause"

unless somethign was meant to be pronouced another way? possibly?
-------------------------------------------
about the poem.

I love the imagery of the demons look:

"No one knew the demons name
But remembered well his look
Thin and tall, and above all
The mystery of this book
Face at bay, long and grey
With a cloak of fabric crow
Pockets ridden with dark unknown
And eyes that seemed to glow"

that really made it come alive to me I could visualize it so well. nice use of imagery there.

the 13th verse "the dragon can't be killed or slain..." I really like that for some reason that I can't uite describe :D

and lovely ending showing the kings greed of wanting power right away. this is so nicely written and you don't find many poems that tell and story and are quite this long especially with two other parts.

this is beyond me and I'm absolutely thrilled to read the rest. :D
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2006   Writer
that is the most realistic feed back i've ever had on my poetry on this site.
thank you so much, and those tiny gramatical errors, shit.
i could kick myself in the head for those, consider them ammended.
I'll have to return the favour of such a critique
Reply
:icontrackgirl:
TrackGirl Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2006
i really try to tell a person what I liked about their poem rather then just say nice job when I can. I mean sometimes thats all you can say is you really liked it but I try to extend beyond that.

because i know writer's sometimes like it you need to know what people liked specifically at least thats what I like to know.

haha and no worrie about the grammar we all do it :D
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