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So with the mind of the twisted king
Inside the dragon’s head
(A cursed dragon and evil beast
Unloved and Overfed)
It ravaged the kingdoms enemies
Destroyed them with its storm
A storm born by its hateful rage
When its heart was torn

The lightning cracked the fire roared
The people cried in pain
Little could withstand this force
All efforts were in vain
The cities fell one by one
To the madness of the King
Until he had thrice what he’d paid
For that dragon sibling

To ensure his wealth would last
He would hide it all away
In a cave below the Mountain High
In a land so far away
So as the king of greedy sin
Marvelled at his art
The dragon breathed a wall of flame
To engulf his shallow heart

Neither bone nor crown of King
Was left there to remain
The gold belonged to the dragon now
For this was his domain

Many men have dared to brave
This highlands stormy bane
The thunder shook their very souls
While pounded by the rain
Those who survived barely arrived
Carped by dragons reign

It is a dark and stormy night
The men march on below
The storm was at its very worst
The Pain was there to show
Frost collects upon their shields
The wind cut through their faces
Frozen to the very core
An army of disgraces

The rain had turned to hail now
Passing the dreaded eye
The Men pause as a dragon roars
They’d reached the Mountain High
An Army boasted battle cries
Ready for the fight
The dragon simply cocked its head
To cause a lightning strike

At this the first wave of daring
Charged the dragon’s horde
The flames of hell from jaws expelled
All suffered the dragon lord
Shields were braced with dragon faced
Swords hungry had been drawn
Neither arrows nor blades would pass
Through its golden, scaly brawn

The storm would take its victims
With the lightning and the ice
Fiery anger would enhance
The dragons jaws of vice
Bodies piled against the mountain
Blood thicker than the water
The dragon breath eternal
To incinerate and slaughter

Fire burned til it was choked
By the dragon’s storm of spite
As the lightning and the fire
Still flashed throughout the night
The smell of death upon them
The army nearly broken
None could break the tyrant
The fallen weapons token

Limbs and bones were sundered
Of those who’d fought for gold
The senile and the naïve
The men both young and old
All around the lightning struck
With nowhere else to go
A battalion of the remainder
Against a Monster of a foe

Claws and armour would briefly spark
Before the dragon would exhale
A fragment from the sun itself
That would leave the men to flail
Those that still had limbs
Would seek refuge in the marsh
Gold wings belting in the rain
Fuelled by intentions harsh
The second part to the Trilogy.

Used to be the end but the poem grew larger and is now the middle and my favourite part of the trilogy.
If anyone, I mean ANYONE has any poetry like this freakin show me, theres not enough of it on DA,
or maybe there is and i can't find it....

even if it's not yours show me where to find it.

Other parts of the trilogy:
Part I:[link]
Part III:[link]

Enjoy or don't

Jaz
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2006   Writer
How much do i need to pay you? XD
i usually don't agree with corrections to my poerty... bar Amber M Forrester, but i agree with everything you said ^_^
i wrote this a very long time ago though... but still if i have it up now... it should be worthy and without error
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2006   Writer
ah well, i stuck with a few things.. but thank you for letting this poem grow up ^_^
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:iconlisolette-anwe:
Lisolette-Anwe Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2006   Writer
A very long piece, well I must say for starters, I suppose it really is a prejudice against rhyming poetry, so I'd like to say that for starters.

"All efforts where in vain" 'where' should be 'were'

"Until he acquired thrice what he’d paid
For that dragon sibling"
This line is awkward. I found that a lot of your stanzas were unclear and I had a hard time deciphering what exactly you were referring to.

You also need to watch your capitalization. There are lots of words that seemed to be just randomly capitalized.

"And this was his domain" I would suggesting exchanging 'and' with 'for' it would sound a lot better with this piece in my opinion. If you are able to, 'and' is a word that should only be used when there are no other words to replace it. It really does take away the professionalism of a work.

"It is a dark and stormy night
The army trudges on below
The storm was at its very worst
The Pain was there to show
Frost collected upon their shields
The winds cut through their faces
Frozen to the very core
An army of disgraces"

This stanza really breaks up the rhyme you had going. It's one of the reasons I don't enjoy rhyming poetry, because the flow is easily interfered with and thats just intolerable really.

"The Army pause as a dragon roars
They’d reached the Mountain High"

That first line, is so awkward. I would suggest rewording it.

"The dragon simply cocked its head
To cause a lightning strike"

The first line...'cocked its head' reminds me more of a dog then a vicious dragon. Bad imagery in that line. I would suggest something like 'The dragon simply whipped it's tail'

"Through the scales and the brawn"

Omit 'the' before 'brawn' it's unnecessary and interrupts the flow.

"The dragons jaws of vice"

'of vice'?? perhaps 'like vice' would be a bit better.

"The storm would take its victims
With the lightning and the ice
Fire and anger would enhance
The dragons jaws of vice
Bodies piled like the mountain
Blood thicker than the water
The dragon breath eternal
To incinerate and slaughter"

This whole stanza is awkward and another one of those stanzas that really break up the rhyme of your poem.

"Against a Monster of a foe"
I would omit 'of a'
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:iconlisolette-anwe:
Lisolette-Anwe Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2006   Writer
Oh dear, I had no intention of posting that yet. Hm, well nevertheless, the piece was good, it could use a little polishing with a few small details, but a commended effort indeed.
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:iconmoefredthegreat:
moefredthegreat Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2006
theres not enough of it on DA I couldn't agree more.

Ah yes, there's more to add about your works: they flow so smoothly: they almost never sound awkward or cumbersome; and the imagery is lively and vivid.

Ever thought about getting yourself published?
Reply
:iconmoefredthegreat:
moefredthegreat Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2006
theres not enough of it on DA I couldn't agree more.

Ah yes, there's more to add about your works: they flow so smoothly: they almost never sound awkward or cumbersome; and the imagery is lively and vivid.

Ever thought about getting yourself published?
Reply
:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2006   Writer
A fantasy poet? I better have a look at that.
thank you for your compliments, and i'm thrilled you're enjoying the story still,
thanks for sticking with it ^_^
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:iconfrozendruidess:
FrozenDruidess Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2006
I write a lot of Fantasy poetry though I can hardly say thats its anywhere near as good as this. Then again people seem to praise my poetry more than I do. Anyway this isn't about me this is about #2. I must say you did an excellent job at making this passage grab one and slap em in the face. The words are so vivid they just kept me reading. Beautiful :clap:
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:iconamber-m-forrester:
Amber-M-Forrester Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2006
One thing about making rhyming poems (especially when you're aiming for story continuity) is to make it look as natural as possible. If it doesn't, it will look to the reader like a desperate attempt to put together anything that rhymes. I guess I'm getting a bit picky here, but this part kind of broke up the momentum for me.

"The cities fell one by one
To the madness of the King
Until he acquired thrice what he’d paid
For that dragon sibling"

King and sibling. Not... very effective.
Reply
:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2006   Writer
not the best choice of words i admit, and a honet critic yet again.
It was probably a mad dash to the fighting scene in my head :XD:
but thankyou for picking up on that. :worship:
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:iconjazblack009:
jazblack009 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2006   Writer
Thank you, i'm glad to see the words are doing thier jobs.
i can only hope that you find the ending does it justice.
thanks again.
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:icontrackgirl:
TrackGirl Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2006
wow. your choice of words the imagery it conjures up its quite amazing you have such talent. and this was an amazing continuaton to your poem. I would like to put down all the parts that really stood out but I would only be coppying this section of the poem like a story it wound me into the plot and has kept me reading excellent job :D
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